It should be quite a night. Carl will need a big hall this year. Not since the inauguration of George W. Bush (featuring George, Barbara, Bill, Hillary, Al, and the Supreme Court) has there been an event that brought together more people who hate one another.
If you remember, last year's Everett extravaganza was attended by approximately six players, rookies who apparently thought attendance was mandatory. Carl rented a room in a Tampa restaurant and was surrounded by teammates he'd never spoken with, few of whom spoke English. It looked like a Friends of Marty Meehan Rally.
But this year's dinner is going to be a big bash. It promises to be a fitting climax to a Red Sox season that resembles the final, chaotic parade scene in ''Animal House,'' starring Dan Duquette as Douglas C. Neidermeyer.
Early word is that Jimy Williams plans to make the short trip from Dunedin for the festivities. Nobody's heard from Jimy since the Sox fired him (Boston is 11-21 since Williams was dumped), but he wouldn't miss this event.
''Carl was the glue that held us together,'' said Jimy. ''I miss the big lug. Can't understand why Joe Kerrigan can't get along with Carl.''
Jimy said he'll order the baked chicken and if the waiter asks him why, he'll answer, ''Former manager's decision.'' When the waiter asks Derek Lowe what he wants, he'll point to Kerrigan and say, ''Go ask that [expletive] over there.''
Kerrigan said he'll order whatever Duquette orders.
It's rumored Pedro Martinez will rejoin his teammates for this night only. Pedro quit and went home to the Dominican last week, which was OK with everybody because anything Pedro does seems to be OK. But he's pledged to come back and raise a glass or two with his former pitching coaches, Kerrigan and John Cumberland - both of whom this year have been accused of over-imbibing.
These are totally unsubstantiated claims. And they're also odd because throughout the last century, the Sox were managed by a proverbial chorus line of drunks. Drinking used to get you hired by the BoSox. You put it on your resume. No more. Carl promises to have plenty of O'Doul's on hand.
Seating is important for an event like this. Cumby will sit next to Duquette with Jimy on the other side of the Duke. Tommy Harper will be assigned to sit next to Everett. The official restrainer of Jurassic Carl, Harper hasn't had much to do in the last week, but his services might be needed if Carl decides to joust with former adversaries Kerrigan, Williams, Trot Nixon, or Darren Lewis.
''I think Darren has a problem with me because I'm black,'' said Carl. ''But that's OK. I went through the same stuff with the Yankees, Mets, Marlins, and Astros.''
There's some entertainment scheduled, including a motivational speech by Duquette, a hot dog eating contest between Rich Garces and Calvin ''The Green Mile'' Pickering, and Izzy Alcantara's dance demo of The Hustle.
The dress code is wide open, which means Manny Ramirez can wear his earrings and Brian Daubach can regrow that Amish beard. Rod Beck's mullet is more than welcome. Mike Lansing, Troy O'Leary, Dante Bichette, Hideo Nomo, and Craig Grebeck will deliver farewell speeches. David Cone will read from his next book, ''Cumby, We Hardly Knew Ye.''
A band will play all the official Red Sox theme songs: ''We Gotta Get Out of This Place,'' ''Can't Buy Me Love,'' ''Take This Job and Shove It,'' ''I'm a Loser,'' ''Bad Moon Risin','' ''Helplessly Hoping,'' and (my personal favorite) ''Roll Over, Beethoven.''
The dinner will be off-limits to eavesdropping reporters, but will be broadcast live on Radio Free Duquette.
John Harrington is afraid to appear in public, but he offered to pick up the tab because he feels guilty about underpaying Carl ($17.15 million over the next two years).
''I'm delighted that Dan rewarded Carl with that contract extension,'' said Harrington in a statement. ''We're promoting a fan-friendly environment at Fenway and it's important to take care of players like Carl. I'm actually thinking of extending Dan's contract a couple more years before I sell this team.''
Meanwhile, Harrington hinted he might hold on to the team for another year to try to win a championship for the Yawkey legacy.
Duquette seconded that emotion and said, ''All I need is a cleanup hitter, a closer, equity in the new ownership, and more players like Carl.''
By Dan Shaughnessy, Globe Staff, 9/27/2001
This story ran on page E1 of the Boston Globe on 9/27/2001
© Copyright 2001 Globe Newspaper Company.